Learning and embracing some truths about oneself requires some degree of readiness, willingness, humility and vulnerability.
Daily life interactions helps us to know ourselves better and see areas where we need fine fine-tuning.
It was actually the Holy Spirit that opened my eyes to this. If it weren’t him I would never have believed I had this trait. The realization hit me well sha, cos, in my small mind I had always believed I was patient. But once my eyes and my heart was opened to this flaw I starting seeing my shortcoming with it. It was glaring.
Problem known, time to seek solution. Where else will I turn to but to the one who lifted the veil from my eyes.
There is one thing about people saying something and you realizing what the actual problem is. I’ve had close friends repeatedly complain about me not believing in myself. I felt they just didn’t understand.
I had that can anything good come out from Nazareth look on things. Not because I totally didn’t think anything good could come from me, but mostly because I felt I might give it a shot but wouldn’t do well at the task at hand. There was always that tug of war with the word BUT. That was how I saw it.
It took a while to realize it really really was self esteem issues. I had thrown it under the guise of being an introvert, being reserved bla bla bla.
Ultimately it made me shrink from a lot of things.
Of course this also made me to look at the glass half empty. To the outside world I might be ranting “yeah, its half full “, but my mind would be whistling a different tune. Pessimism hopped on.
These weren’t always the case 24/7, but there was dominance.
Back in med school, since the cut off was 50 I used to think all I needed to do was read and write (in exams) what would get me at least 50 then move on. I felt life wasn’t too serious to be jogging for 95 or 99 after all he who gets 55 and 99 in MB exams still passes. I just felt life wasn’t too serious biko to come and kee myself with extras. *Palms face at my foolishness*
I also didn’t want to be labelled an oversabi, so down played stuff a lot. Funny enough, I wasn’t so average a student, I always did better than average, then I would end up being surprised I did that good. Smh
I so know better now. I’m learning better now.
When you’ve had a fair share of stuff you count as disappointments, low moments and the likes, you tend to develop an outward thick layer (barely a glossy veneer in reality), build high defence walls and switch on the resting bitch face.
You become sendless to things and the walls kinda help with lots of deflection (at least on the outside) People start referring to you as Obi akpor (akpo obi), uncaring, insensitive, too private, rigid, strict, diplomatic etc etc (I’ve been called all at some point)
The hardcore ruse becomes so perfect sometimes it attempts to confuse even you wearing it.
But the soft, truly vulnerable, very sensitive person stands just beyond that glass – glass that a flick of a finger would crack it.
I’m learning to shed the unlooking garment(s). One layer at a time.
I’m not there-there but oh I’m learning a lot! A whole lot. Like I’m meeting myself for the first time.
I’m making #GrowthMoves 💃
- I’m more intentional about actions, words
- I’ve shed significant people pleasing weights
- I forgive easily
- I apologize easily
- I’m less moved by the incrowd or vibe.
- I pray better. More than routine words. More than my needs. I’ve found the charm In prayer for others.
- My heart feels lighter
- I’m less judgmental
- I’m more content
Heck I’m growing! (Not in height though 😉)
And I bless my Abba. Thank you Abba.
I hope you’ve been learning and making your own growth moves too… Wanna share?
Bubbles of love ♥💕♥💕♥💕
PS: Guess who resumed work today after been off for almost 8weeks.